


Accurate Gaydars and Plastic Mistletoe

by Miramise



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Fluff, Homestuck Secret Santa Exchange 2016, M/M, Non-Canon Relationship, Universe C
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-25
Updated: 2016-12-25
Packaged: 2018-09-12 01:11:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,976
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9049291
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Miramise/pseuds/Miramise
Summary: Dave pays a visit to John, trusting Dirk's gaydar to take a chance of asking his best friend out on a date.  Strider rambling, time travel cheating, and general fuzzies ensue.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Written for the 2016 Homestuck Secret Santa. No beta, so all mistakes not caught by the spell-checker are mine. (Should also mention this was written on a decided lack of sleep and finished at 3am, but dammit I was going to make my deadline.)

Maybe he could play it off as some form of irony, which is an inside joke for the two of them now. Or perhaps just call it a joke--no, definitely not that. But if it looks like it would fall to pieces, he might have to. Still, he has to try.

Their friendship is solid. Not even this would mess it up if it doesn't work. So really, nothing to lose. Except what he wants to be lost, which was _his_ loneliness.

And if that didn't sound like some chick flick bullshit right there, he doesn't know what else possibly could.

"Come on, Strider. Head in the game and other various sports analogies I have no clue about but damn if I still won't fake it."

Dave smacks his face a few times, unsure of what exactly he's nervous about. Well, it would be nice if this gets the desired results, but not like things will fall apart if he doesn't. At the very least, he might get a laugh out of him. That alone would be worth it.

Because how long has it been since he heard that laugh? How long since _any_ of them heard it? Or seen a smile that wasn't just a faint tick up on the side of his lips.

Too long, that's how long.

So here he is, at the gate to John's yard while gathering up his courage, because damn if he was going to see his best friend slip down into some reclusive hole of bullshit thinking everyone else was too busy to bother.

Yeah, no, fuck that.

Something cold hit his nose. Dave looks up and sees the beginning snowflakes fall from the sky. For the umpteenth time Dave wonders why, when he has his choice of the entire world to live in, John chose a place where it snowed. For that matter, why stay in his old house. While he's no Freud--that was Rose's job in the group--that simply does not strike Dave as a healthy move on John's part. Jane and her dad live in a house way different than what they left behind. In fact, nobody in the human group lives in places that resembled what they had before.

Except John, who is still in his father's home. And all alone at that.

Not good.

Dave shivers and pulls his jacket tighter around himself. If he had a say in the matter, he'd make John get a nice little place in the tropical isles Roxy dubbed "Hot-whammy". (Rose swears Roxy was sober when she named it. Dave's still not sure on the matter.) The weather is beautiful, the water clear and shark-free. (He had Jade check for him with the promise to shrink any down to two centimeters.) Best of all, no snow. Just, no. Dave doesn't care what kind of fun winter shit you can do in the snow, nothing about potentially freezing his nuts off appeals to him in any way, shape, or manner.

' _So hurry up and go to the door before that's exactly what happens._ '

Dave quickly stomps through the yard and up to the door. Taking a deep breath, he raises his hand to knock, but rings the doorbell at the last second.

' _He'd hear that before the knock if he's in the back, least I think,_ '

Just as Dave is contemplating knocking after all, the door swings open.

"Dave? Man, I didn't know--wait, did I miss a memo, or a holiday? I can't keep up with all the new ones."

John chuckled, running a careless hand through his hair. Dave takes the seconds of John rambling to give him a quick once over. While he's as clean shaven as ever, Dave notices his hair is a bit shaggier than before. At this rate, John would be able to put it in a ponytail in no time.

Dave has to quickly wave his hand when he hears John's voice taking on a slightly nervous tone.

"Naw, s'cool. No big creator shindigs or anything like that. Trust me, you'd know if there was. Jade keeps everyone in the know about that sort of stuff."

"Yeah, that's true." John lets out another chuckle as he steps away from the door, letting Dave walk inside. "Sorry, I'm being a goober keeping you out there when you hate snow and all. I swear, you just hate fun if you hate snow, Dave."

"Because having my balls trying to crawl back into my body is definitely what I'd consider fun, Egbert."

"Wuss, Dave. Total wuss." John closes the door while gesturing Dave towards the couch. "Anyway, it's still a surprise seeing you here. Is something up? And why didn't you text me or something?" John keeps firing off questions as he walks into the kitchen, his voice carrying behind him. "Before all that, you want anything? I got soda, or I can cook if you're hungry."

"A coke is good," Dave calls out. "And what, can't a guy just wanna visit his best bud? Gotta have a reason to just come and hang out now? Didn't know I needed to make an appointment now. Give me your secretary's number to I'll do it proper and shit next time."

"Very not funny, you." John shoots back as he rustles through the fridge. Dave takes a moment to look around to notice that, despite John mainly living alone, the house is completely decked out for Christmas. He has to admit, it's even more cheerful looking than the setup they have back in the troll kingdom. Admittedly Dave was playing his 'ironic' card, (because like hell he'd ever _completely_ give that up), and got Jade to help him lay out the conksuckiest decs they could find. In comparison, John's house is perfect, mall display decorated, much like a scene from one of those blank Christmas cards with the homey scene on the front because some people didn't feel like doing the family picture bit and just bought a generic pack of twenty-five from the nearest dollar store.

Yeah, that kind.

Not that the place is without feeling. Dave can see all the personal touches John obviously spent time and energy working on, because the only way Dave would ever string popcorn is if he were to get a few hundred minions to each string one kernel a piece to save on time and bloody fingers. And--yes, Dave could not deny seeing handmade ornaments of everyone on the tree, each of them wearing some Christmas version of their usual clothes or god tier outfit (if they had one).

That is either some cosmic levels of dedication, or just way too much time on hand. Dave isn't sure which, and doesn't think he wants to know.

John comes back out, handing Dave a can while holding another in his hand. "And I see you are still a heathen, calling every soda a coke. Coke doesn't even exist like that any more, you know," he points out while taking a seat on the couch. The lack of space John leaves between them gives Dave some encouragement even as he defends his carbonated honour.

"Hush you. All things are coke, so says the king." Dave pops his can open to take a quick sip. "And for your information, Jake and Jane are actually working on figuring out the formula for classic Coke as we speak." He glances over to see John's confused expression and explains, "Jake's providing ingredients he and Dirk think will work. Though I think Jake will just make a branch from his company to sell it, since Jane's still about the cake."

"Hmm." John opens his own can and pulls a deep swallow. "So just wanted to come by, huh?"

"Something like--no." Dave inhales quickly, then lets it out in a slow stream. "I was wondering, that is--Roxy was telling me about this new park the chess peeps made for us. Exclusive shit, only creators allowed and all that."

"A--a park?" John scratches his head. "That seems kind of weird and out the blue."

"After the moon fiasco, I'll take a random park popping up outta nowhere, thanks." Dave takes another swallow, using the moment to gather his nerves. "Anyway, Roxy says it's really pretty, way more than a regular park. Thought you might want to see it or something." The second the words leave his lips, Dave's cursing a storm in his head for not being more straight forward. He knows John will probably misunderstand exactly what is being asked.

He's proven correct when John speaks next. "Oh yeah? Who else is going? Do I need to bring any--"

"Just us. You and me."

"Huh? Just us? I mean, sure, I'd like to check it out, but what would the two of us do at a--"

' _Yolo._ ' Dave covers John's mouth with his hand. "I'm trying to ask you out on a date, Egbert." He pulls his hand away, seeing the shock has silenced John for the moment. "A date, as in nobody else, just the two of us, doing something Kanaya assured me is romantic. And I'm pretty sure I trust her idea of romance over Rose, because last thing I need is a stroll through some eldritch tunnel of love--"

"I don't think you stroll through those."

''--where you get some creepy shadow limb wrapping around you and whispering in your ear, but it ain't sweet nothings you hear. Instead you get some dark invocation to the demon realm rasping at you--"

"Do we even have a demon realm?"

"--and the thing wants to do a re-enactment of two dogs sharing some pasta, but that noodle is way too black to be natural, and does it even have a face to try and mack on? Like you kinda need a mouth and lips for that to work--"

"I'm not sharing my spaghetti, Dave."

"--I'm sure Rose is into that, but Kanaya put a leash on that shit real quick, because who wants to get their face sucked on by a black hole--!" The word deluge comes to an abrupt end when John returns the favor of laying his hand over Dave's mouth.

"Okay, first? Rose has grown out of that, mostly," he concedes at Dave's muffled scoff. "Second, I'm ignoring the rest of that for the sake of being able to sleep tonight. And third..." John trails off, pulling his hand away. "Third, I... I don't know what you do on a date or anything. Besides, why me?"

"Why not you?" Dave quickly holds a hand up to forestall the usual reasons. "Do _not_ give me the het argument. Because I hate to tell you this, but you set off Dirk's gaydar quite loudly."

"Yes, because he is the expert on all the gayness in the universe," John mutters as his eyes damn near roll out his head.

"You would be surprised how much gay the Prince of Heart can detect." While John ponders if that is supposed to be sarcasm, Dave powers on. "And I can imagine the whole declaration had more to do with a freaking alien trying to hit on you, because professing straight or gay depending on who you're fending off is like the ultimate knee-jerk reaction to keep someone from jumping your junk."

"Why do I feel like Rose would have something to say about your choice of words?"

"No channeling the shadow queen, thank you. Where was I, oh yes." Dave sets his soda down on the coffee table in front of him, then reaches over to slip John's can from his hand to sit next to his. "So, yeah, maybe I'm taking a risk relying on Dirk's so far infallible gay-seeking missile--"

"You're going to owe me half your kingdom to keep me silent on that."

"I'll write you an IOU," Dave waves the blackmail off with a glib tone. "But again, he's been right so far, and I figured nothing to lose. Not like you didn't know that about me after a bit, and you still stayed my best bro."

"I'm an asshole, not a complete dick," offers John.

"And so not going into your choice of terminology since I already said no channeling Rose," Dave slides in. "So yeah, figured on the off chance he's wrong, not gonna lose the best bro status, because say what you will, you _are_ a decent kind of guy, the kind a person's not afraid to meet their mother, but like you already met Roxy, so that part's taken care of."

"You know she and I almost--"

"--AND FURTHERMORE," Dave steamrolls, "I have to keep my own status up as the kind of guy your mama talks about."

"I'm afraid to ask."

"Because, you know, she said boys like a little more booty to hold at night."

John groans loudly and whaps Dave in the face with a throw pillow. "That was awful, even for you. _Especially_ for you."

"I do my best." Dave stands and easily snags John's hands to pull the brunet up to his feet. "Now go get dressed in something nice and comfortable, and bring a jacket, because I don't care what you say, you ain't Frosty, and I suck as a nurse. Though I might be willing to get an outfit. I'm sure Kanaya would--"

"I'm going!" John runs into his room, a little unsure yet also somewhat happy at this date thing. He isn't quite sure if Dirk is right about him, but everything Dave said is true enough. They'll still be best friends no matter what. And besides, who said friends can't date?

John just finishes putting on a pair of jeans and a button up shirt when he feels something strange with the moment around him. It takes him a moment to figure out what the disturbance is.

"Dave? Did you just time travel?" he calls, pulling on a light coat because unlike some blonds, he is not a wuss.

"Don't even worry about it. Just had an idea I had to go back a few minutes to take care of."

"Right." John comes back out, now quite looking forward to seeing this park, and more so hanging out with Dave. As far as a date, it really can't hurt to give it a try. "Ready." He rolls his eyes again when Dave makes a twirling motion for John to turn around for inspection. "Does it meet with your approval, oh fabulous fashionista?"

"Hey now, just making sure you're not going to go out swimming in the snow in your G-string or anything like that. Your balls would probably revolt if you tried."

"I don't even own--! Ugh, never _mind_." John lightly pushes Dave through the door before locking it behind him. He turns and pauses when Dave stands right in front of him while pointing up. Blue travels that direction and land on a sprig of very obviously plastic mistletoe.

"You know the rules, Egbert. Gotta lay one on me."

' _Dirty cheater, that's what he time-traveled for._ ' He can't ignore the rather smug look on Dave's face, and decides to compromise a little. He pecks Dave on the cheek, dancing away before he could try the turning the head trick to make it a proper kiss. "Nuh-uh. That's all you're getting."

"What the hell, John? That wasn't even a real kiss."

John points to the plastic sprig. "And that's not real mistletoe. Get the real thing and then we can talk." Soon as he says it, John feels another temporal displacement, and quickly looks around. His eyes narrow at the real mistletoe hanging from the branch of his tree. "You are a dirty cheater who cheats dirtily."

"Cheating is such an ugly word." Dave grabs John's hand before he can move. "But look, you're not under it. So no harm done."

"Then why?"

Dave shrugs. "If this turns out okay, then you might want to make use of it when we get back. If not, you can just pop right into your yard and miss it completely."

"Uh-huh." It's then that John realises how much Dave is willing the risk for this, even with the knowledge that their friendship won't be affected. It warms a bit of John's heart to understand this. And it's that understanding that leads him to walk directly under the mistletoe. He turns towards Dave, blue as bright as his smile as he enjoys the gobsmacked expression running across the blond's face.

"John, what--?"

"I wasn't expecting you, so I don't have your gift ready. So you'll have to make do with this for now."

Dave's mouth opens and closes a few, ignoring the fact that as usual, John has a bad habit of rendering him speechless the way nobody else can. "I don't have your present, either."

"I'm calling the date a gift. Now are you going to accept yours? Because I can take it back if you don't want it..." John trailed off, confidence fading a touch at Dave's hesitation.

' _Yolo, the sequel._ ' Dave takes three steps, pulls John against him, and lands a proper kiss on the brunet. It's not the kind that devours or dominates; that isn't the kind either of them would give nor take. But there are plenty of emotions to be hand as the warmth passes back and forth between them. Hope, promise, curiosity, and something else they won't bother putting a name to just yet. Maybe later, when they're both more certain. But that's okay; time's not a thing to worry about in this universe.

Dave pulls back first. Sadly air is still a thing he needs, and of course he can't get enough of when kissing the Heir of Breath. There is some kind of irony there, he just knows it.

John simply grins, "Merry Christmas, Dave."

"Merry Christmas, John."


End file.
